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arayoflight's Blog


My life- June '14

Life has been up and doWn lately.. too much Shit been going on So i came to vent.
BaSically i go to  Work, then hit the gym then come home.... that's been the scenario for some time now say appro. 3 months ago. 
 however about 2 months ago that has changed.... met a guy at the gym who played me didnt even mention that he had a girlfriend and an older lady who takes care of his every need - financially.  I am basically really dum when i think about it. how could i have not read the signs which were blaring in my face the whole time.

but i found out through his friend who happens to work at the gym as welll... but this friend had a crush on me the whole time but never warned me about him...

so friend no.  and i have been seeing each other a month now and things are so frutrating. he doesnt have a car so everytime i go to the gym , i have to drop him home,,, even when im not at the gym he calls me to give him a ride home.... i live walking divtance away from the gym so  its just rediculas to have to leave home to give him a ride shich is so much further away from my house.... basically what i'm trying to say is that i feel like his personal taiX cab.  which annoys me to no end. cos he doesnt even help train me at the gym... so i cant even say its a orking relationhip cos it just feels like i'm the one doing all the work!!!!! 

not only that, when we go out,,, i'm the one who has to drive us there... i'm the one who has to pay for his food....
i'm thinking this is not working out... i can only take so much for so long . i might as well remain single my whole life cos if this is the shit i have to put up with,- it makes no sense - i might a well date myelf.

its so very frutrating trying to find the right guy.... hes only good for seX ! and i dont like seX!!! so whats the point. urrrgggg!!!! 





 

Friday Night blues

feels like a bottle to the head kinda night.
its Fryday and All i can think about is how good i am doing because i havent called that negro for the entire week and what gives me even greater pleasure is : when he called and was rambling about how his day was, my phone died.. and was just  too lazy too charge it till next day .... 

life in this body and head of mine is challenging and might i say pathetic.

i cant believe how much i am letting one person ruin my life. i remember i was hung up on a guy when i was 24 and he was all i could think about and now when i see him - he means nothing to me-  

i'm just going thru something in the moment... which makes me think. - is anything really of importance?? 

life baffles me.

Update, although not much has changed

So sex changes everything right? yes! the answer is still yes.
I  am  somehow emotionally attached to this guy at work who i slept with , who isnt that into me anymore and now i'm the attached looser.

Well i have hopes in myself that it wont be long that I'll get over it and on with my life soon and i'll forget all about that 'A hole' or that it ever happened .

Right now I'm PMS'ing  ( bad!!!)  I am depressed as EVER and ! today i gave my hairdresser the OK to chop all of my hair off.

He said it was a good decision as my hair is thinning. Its been dropping and i feel so stressed about it because it looks terrible - really sparse

this week i found one of the girls i used to follow on YouTube - she used to do beauty videos ( make up and hair etc) .She stopped making videos a while ago. However,recently she started to upload again but this time , Vlogs. So i clicked on her channel and started to watch , she was bald in one of them, so i had to find out what happened , and so i started to watch the 1st one...  she explained that she had Alopecia  and was vlogging her experience with hair loss as it happened. 

My heart goes out to her and she will always be a pretty girl to me, its just sad cos i know a little about hair loss.  

anyways off topic but i feel like i'm going though something. I cut my hair and ive noticed already that my hair isnt dropping as much but its still so very thin and sparse. I'll have to monitor it and see if it improves or not.

Blogging has always been a release for me , i came here feeling so depressed tonight and i feel so much better letting some of it out. I have no friends who i can talk to. No guys are interested in me right now and i feel lonely as f---k.

As far as my workouts go, i'm still pretty much dedicated to it , trying to be consistent whenever i've not injured myself that is. I'm just not there yet -where i want to be- ( of course i want to be like Cindy Landolt - which isnt happening anytime soon but still) -its my goal

i could lose at least 5 lbs of fat to lean out a bit but i have to work on a plan that fits around my work schedule. otherwise i'm cheering myself on everyday , always looking to improve areas of my body .

i have no social life.. so everything else that doesnt matter or that is uninteresting - is just a blur .... other than that everything else is ok. my health is back in order and i'm doing ok -ish.

ok then till next time 

DRAMA!!!!

I dont know why I keep on making the same mistake over and over again!!!!!! - I feel so dumb!

so my two friends at work both 50 yrs old  - 20 yrs my senior have gotten to really like me and in turn I've also gotten to really like them.

We spend a lot of time talking over the phone when we're not  seeing eachother at work....

however the 2 guys are friends who grew up with each other ( lets name them X and Y), not only that, they live in the same neighbourhood . So they know each other pretty darn well...

MY MISTAKE - like the hoe that i am lol .... I slept with X  

Y likes me more than X but I like X more than Y  ,,,, which happens to be the one that likes me less. - go figure

any way  Fast forwarding here,,, I visited X one day after my doctors appointment and we slept together... not planned but it happened,... X lives down stairs and his family lives on the top floor.

so one day Y was giving X's neice a lift out into town and she tells him that i was sleeping with X and that I came over to his house .

Y got so mad and called me up crying , hurt and in pain.- I felt so horrible!!!!!  I never wanted to hurt Y so I denied all of it.  He yelled at me and was so disappointed in me and it made me feel even worse

None of them are my boyfirend. they are all just friends but some how Y wants moreeeeee .. much more

so now i am the cause of everything thats going wrong... not only that..... my name is probably going to be dragged in the mud at work.. however I dont care too much about that but still...

right now X is upset that i still talk to Y and Y is upset that I still talk to X because he says hes in love with me and i guess he feels threatened by X

I dont know what to do any more.

right now none of them are too happy with me .... its just one big tangled mess 



i was just about to.....

Post a new blog but then I read my last blog and realised I felt the exact way i did one month ago...

news flash... nothings changed... might as well repost the last one cos its like ditto.

Tonight is such a sad night for me.. I've got work in the morning.. thinking maybe i need to hit the beach weekend by myself but my period is here so f#$% that sh#$.

my face looks like its swollen like i drowned and re-surfaced , waterlogged and in a big ole mess, all because I've been crying all night.

trying to reach out but no one to reach out to.. sigh... sounds like a line from a song but i swear the feelings real.

I think I'll go buy some lanate over the weekend... stash it away for a night like this when everything isnt going great... eascape to the other side for a while... a loooong while. ... never to return (?)

btw. my knee is fucked up... looks and feels like I've torn several ligaments, the whole leg hurts !! i cant really walk and i cant afford to fix it. so oh well..

In life, sometimes folks,  things just dont turn out the way u want it to.


its the fricken weekend... cheers to that!!!

So as time went by, I've gotten better at dealing with the situation at work where 2 girls were "ganging up" on meh. and purposely doing hurtful things - I'm still relatively 'new" as they have been there 8 yrs now... and there's still somethings that i may not be familiar with , so they laugh and gawk at my every mistake or screw up.... so its a lil weird at times when i sit right next to them and they are blatantly doing it on purpose.

I just tell myself that they are like little children and carry on like nothing ever happened.

Well luckily for me, one of the girls got transferred out , so there  the other girl was like the cheese standing alone... Oh Well huh??

My left knee is injured... so i havent been exercising for a little over a week now .... its quite painful to sit here and do nothing and watch my body get soft on me... to the point where i've been depressed about it.

All my joy comes from working out and fitness,,,,, and its been taken away from me and it HURTS like hell to watch it all slip away .. indefinately... god knows when it will / if ever , be healed


i'm now in withdrawal  mode . where I dont want to be around anyone or anything. My 2 friends at work arent really responding well to my behaviour , maybe they dont know what to do when i'm not in a talking mood, its completely understandable- they're guys , they dont and won't ever understand mood  changes cos they are always happy and in a joyful mood. -- good for them-

Right now I'm hungry , I need to eat a big bowl of carbs to satisfy me,,, I've been eating salad and protein all week , I deserve a nice bowl of pasta and cheeseeee. hunger is pain!!!

i thought about killing myself today and realised it doesnt matter if i live or not.. no one will notice that i am gone. further more... i dont want any one coming to my funeral. I just dont. - cos I just want to go... away from it all

i also sat today mostly watching you tube videos and listening to music. - lifehouse "between the raindrops" have been on replay x 1000000  

it brought back memories of Israel and I began to miss him a lot, its been a tearful day.... crying , music and pain.   wow whata sad day t'was indeedy


i better go. this blog is about nothing really - just completely bored and hungry. but GLAD its the weekend and i look forward to the coming long easter weekend.









A little holiday

Saturday , Sunday , Monday and Tuesday Ive been at home because its a long weekend.
Some relaxation away from work was well needed.
I'm upset because I must go out to work on Wednesday to face the drama again.
Everytime I think about those 2 girls at work, I get a sick feeling in my gut. it completely turns me off to everything that I'm doing at that moment.

I think I am so intimidated by them... and to make it worse, I let them get the upper hand.

I dont want to stop working but at the same time I am not sure how best to handle this situation.I dont see this situation getting any better.

Sigh. life is so difficult at times.

I just wish I knew what I was good at. I just wish I knew what truly makes me happy

The only thing I can seem to control in my life is my physical body -  I work out  and the harder I work out, is the more it'll change. I like that I can control that much.

long ago it use to be  the case where if i dont eat. I'll get skinny, but now its not about that any more.. but still the same concept.

I just control it in a healthy way.

which is good but at the same time feels like I've no control over anything going on in my life - and that feeling is the worst... I just wish I could take life by the horns and lead it to success.


but i can't  :(

I'm losing and lost everything that matters to me and I feel like I'm nothing and no one, just a shell and empty inside, hollow and sad.

Meltdown

So this past month has been up and down. filled with good times and bad
Lets start out with work : the 2 girls I work with in the office have not been speaking to me. The tension is a bit high feels like 2 against one.. I cant say that they are wrong or I'm right.. cos I could very well be the wrong one... but the thing is: I just dont know whos wrong or right... and most importantly I dont think I care too much to be their friends cos they are 2 fat  ugly beotches that I dont care to speak to outside of work. how ever i try not to let it affect my work  however , its hard as i do have to interact with them on a daily basis and  its just becoming increasingly difficult for me - My solution to that problem is to let time go by and also I find consolation in prayer... 

My contract ends in March.. next 2 weeks or thereabouts so I am either contemplating to not continue on or.. continue on and deal with the tension.  ---- but... is it really worth the stress?---- i dont know... life is so much more than letting trivial things get in the way

Problem #2  - there are 2 guys at work who like me.. they dont work on the same shift nor on the same day that the other is working . I've been friendly with the both but i am more attracted to one than the other. I dont see myself in a long term relationship with either of them tho. they are both 50 yrs old and although age shouldnt be an issue.. Its just a little too old for me.  

As for My friend who I loved very much... we'll we arent talking anymore.. We both dont contact eachother so. like i said in a previous post, Hes just a memory now. ..I still wish things could have worked out but i think the feelings between us have faded and will never be the same.

SO I possibly wont have a job by 1st March - its really sad but I'm not sure how things are going to pan out. I'm ready to run away from it all...- that alone shows alot about my character doesnt it ? -  I know , I'm weak and a coward. but thats ok. .. I'm hoping that some thing else will present itself to me where i can earn an income and learn from my job.

My boss hates me .. i am not really that great at my job either nor am i like the other girl that worked there before I came dispite shes been working 14 years with the company and I've just been there a measly 7 months..  People are so mean sometimes.... especially when it comes to work....
May be i'm a little too laid back but  I just dont see why people have to become all uptight when it comes to work

 



so much has been happening

i need to get down to some blogging.... its been way too long

HAPPY NEW YEAR YALL

i hope to crack my bottle of wine and sip onnit while I knock out in bed.

I wish I had a tub for just this purpose of sipping wine and relaxing in a warm bath....

ok enjoy your nite

now youre just somebody i used to know

we had a huge arguement on sunday
he told me he could never be my boyfriend or my husband etc.
i told him I felt like he only uses me when he needs to get things done.
that i felt like he never really cared
he suggested that we stop having sex
i suggested that we stop being friends

a week has now passed...
during this week.. i've had numerous men say to me what a lovely person i am
and they they were shocked that i didnt have a boyfriend

its funny how much you love someone , and that someone doesnt feel the same way about you, can tear you apart and control so much of your feelings and emotions.

I'm now sitting here on my weekend feeling incredibly low..
i want him but he doesnt want me...

i feel like i've been through so much with him over the past 2 years...and still. its all for nothing.

i feel like i've lost my best friend.  and now that time goes by,,, i feel the distance, we're going to grow apart.
and all he'll ever be is a memory...all I'll ever be is Nothing to him



sad



miss u

havent heard from him yesterday or today
he didnt even call to ask me how i was feeling or how i was doing

it makes me cry, he enjoys being blunt and to the point ...
i guess he likes to hurt people

but one day the tables will turn....... or it may not

i feel so much sadness today, I'm listening to taylor swift - back to december   , sitting here crying while it plays on repeat..

over 
and
over
and 
over.

what am I going to do with myself. I have no one to love no one to love me back, its such a lonely cold world.

it hurts so bad.


i say i'm ready

but i truly am not ready :(
I guess I'll let the pain happen until I can fix myself 
or until I heal completely
I love him
I cant say that I always will but time will tell
maybe one day I'll forget him 

may be


we met while I was in the hospital...
ever since we've been friends.
he made me wanna come out and want to get better.. i waited a month for him, I came out and we;ve been friends ever since

now hes been away 4 months from me and its like he doesnt need me around anymore.

I'm so hurt

the end

Its the end of Yet another week
Israel is home . I was so glad to see him but I was afraid that I wouldnt have felt the same way about him before he left. My feelings were so strong for him....

Well we talked a little.. and he told me he missed me but I could tell right away that it wasnt the same,
my feelings for issy isnt as strong as it was.... my worst nightmare is coming true.

Yesterday i was over at his house and we ended up f-ukin  eachother.  but  it was the most emotionless f-k i have ever felt with him.   

sex with him was always great! now, its like any other..I've lost my attraction for him.

I could sit here and cry cos I want back what we used to have.

i feel more pain in my heart but i guess i'm ready to let go

it just wasnt meant to be.

Prior to this I havent had sex in 4 months since he left... so sex left me really sore afterwards.....
then later in the night he wanted to have sex again but after he tried. i was like no.. i cant cos i'm sore and its just going to hurt me , .... its like he doesnt even care about that,,, alll hes concerned about is getting some.

we argued about it for a while then he finally quit asking...  we put back on our clothes and  I ended up leaving shortly after.

i told him he was an A$$hole and that he didnt really care about me..

i apologised for calling him an A- hole before i left and hugged him


today i tried calling him cos i packed up some food for him to eat.. but his phone is off.

i suppose hes shutting me out..

i miss him , i miss the times we used to have but I guess its finally time to move on without him

i hate that this is happening to me. i hate not having him around in my life. 

he was my best friend. i hate losing him 



Period problems

i have an addiction to buying shoes..
1st it was swim suits now running shoes...
I plan on joining the gym soon ... so i guess i am preparing for it in some way

well Issy is coming back tomorrow... he hasnt called or anything so i guess hes oraganising his own pick up at the airport


sometimes I figure it'll be best if i never speak to him again..
Hes been away for 3 months now and I've developed a liking for one of my co workers - who is 50 yrs old.

YIKES! 

issy is 21.. hes young. he needs time to grow up , experience life and girls out there before he figures out what he really wants.

I'm too old for him and i might be too young for the other guy.. 

really.. there is no in between.. no one out there for me.. i'm done looking. I'm just gunna live my life for me and continue doing my thing ...

its just frustrating not being able to have a companion. some one to talk to someone to make love to, some one to hug when i need one , for fu--ks sake!

is anyone out there!?!.... I guess not.    - this is sad

Sunday 4th November 2012

I feel so blessed


Pain Is Just Weakness leaving the Body

If I was her..
I'd be depressed too...
I was once there 
 but I've worked hard
It got me closer to where I want to be
and In my mind, I can do  whatever it is I believe i can do.

she can get jealous of me or the things I've achieved 
she can make fun of my other weaknesses but she can;t stop me
from doing what I do best.

its her own  insecurities that get the better of her
and it wont drag me down.. infact I get stronger when 
people try to knock me down with their hurtful words.


i write this out of hurt... . after being spoken down to for so long. 

I've finally stood up and got up off my knees -  I decided to make a change for myself
I now LOVE myself.. I never loved myself before... I always thought i was too stupid , too slow. too this too that 
but I focused less on those negative things and worked as hard and best as I could 


now I can say I LOVE WHO I AM AND WHAT I"VE COME TO BE
MOSt of all I"VE enjoyed the JOURNEY


the road that got me here was a long one

but I'll keep on runnin'


and no one or nothing can stop me


just remember : EVen If youre on the right track , if you dont keep moving, you will get run over!!!


Hope you enjoyed your weekend everyone

Its my prerogative

Everybodys talking all this stuff about me why dont they just let me live
I dont need permission, make my own decisions
is my..  (sing it baby)

I'm like a firecracker.. I make it hot

There's only two types of people in the worldThe ones that entertain and the ones that observeWell baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girlDon't like the backseat, gotta be first



Always bring your own sunshine :)

so my sister  is back out to work and wanted to carpool.. i reluctantly said ok but really i cant stand her

so we carpooled friday. then we decided to take a spin class after work...

while i was waiting for the class to begin , my mother and i get into an argument ...  

after the spin class, my sister pays the lady , then she goes, since this was my first class, shes not going to charge me because 1st class is free. .. my sister goes... no no no take the money... -
HELOO!!! WTF! its my money - I want it back since the class is free...

so then the lady continues to explain that the first class is free and shes not supposed to take the money .... then my sister looks at me and yells at me to thank the lady....

WTF do I look like? a child?

ok so i do look like a child but hey that was embarrassing!

so today while driving , this guy stops to let me pass and before i pull off , I wave to the guy to thank him...- she apparently didnt seee,,,, so she yells at me.. " did you thank the guy"  I said " yea I did , I waved to him" and I called her out on the yelling shes been doing to me for the past 2 days...

she gets steaming mad because I told her she doesnt know how to talk to people....

i drove her back home in silence.

now now now.. some people are so touchy


anyway i hate her


shes ugly . old and doesnt know how to speak politely to people,  people have asked me on numerous occassions if shes my mother.

i dont need  to hear about her bitching about how  shes unable to lose weight everyday of the frigging year....

so thank GOD shes not speaking to me anymore.

I am ready to move on with my life without family members who constanly want to drag me down with them and their negative behaviour...


NO . I will NOT let HER RUIN This BEAUTIFUL DAY

have a wonderful day guys and be safe out there

sending you lots of love 



lets make the most of the night like we're gunna d!e young

i just wrote a lovely long blog. and guess what...  i deleted it by accident.

any way to cut right to the chase....

i hope that i d!e young.

I've had enough of being on earth and people on earth and things on earth

enough is enough

I'm ready to take the plunge for good.

My hunny called me from Canada to tell me he's been missing me.... wow I hardly ever get to hear those words from his mouth.. it was like wow..

i missed the bastard so much!

for a whole month he didnt call me .. Hes returning next month so may be he feels guilty cos he wants me to pick him up from the airport....

Hes such a user sometimes. i never believe him completely.. 

I miss Jude .. the guy at work..  I wanna get to know him more. I wish he would ask me for my number.. but till then I'll keep dreaming....  hes so tall tho.. we look awkward together... i'm 5'1 and hes like 6'2 or something .... dear god! lol

1-20 of 55 Blogs   

Previous Posts
My life- June '14, posted June 21st, 2014
Friday Night blues, posted December 13th, 2013
Update, although not much has changed, posted December 7th, 2013
DRAMA!!!!, posted April 27th, 2013
i was just about to....., posted April 17th, 2013
its the fricken weekend... cheers to that!!!, posted March 16th, 2013
A little holiday, posted February 11th, 2013
Meltdown, posted February 9th, 2013
so much has been happening, posted December 31st, 2012
now youre just somebody i used to know, posted December 1st, 2012
miss u, posted November 19th, 2012
i say i'm ready, posted November 18th, 2012
the end, posted November 18th, 2012
Period problems, posted November 11th, 2012
Sunday 4th November 2012, posted November 4th, 2012
Pain Is Just Weakness leaving the Body, posted November 3rd, 2012
Its my prerogative, posted November 3rd, 2012
I'm like a firecracker.. I make it hot, posted November 3rd, 2012
Always bring your own sunshine :), posted November 3rd, 2012
lets make the most of the night like we're gunna d!e young, posted October 12th, 2012
Friday At last, posted October 5th, 2012
The Solution, posted September 30th, 2012
wow, posted September 27th, 2012
I needed to remind myself, posted September 25th, 2012
So sick N tired, posted September 25th, 2012
i'MMA lOOKIN', posted September 24th, 2012
its just one of those days, posted September 23rd, 2012
GET EXCITED!!, posted September 22nd, 2012
What a lovely Saturday morning!!!!, posted September 22nd, 2012
Standing in the hall of fame and the worlds gunna know your name, posted September 17th, 2012
somebody stop me, posted September 9th, 2012
let me show you how to whistle baby, posted August 20th, 2012
PIssed Off, posted August 19th, 2012
Day off, posted August 15th, 2012
Good Feeling, posted August 12th, 2012
I guess, posted August 8th, 2012
starting today, posted August 7th, 2012
making the dreaded appointment, posted August 5th, 2012
Sick, posted August 4th, 2012
Contemplations, posted July 28th, 2012
rainy days can get me down..., posted July 14th, 2012
It annoys me, posted July 8th, 2012
Part the clouds .... see the way, posted July 7th, 2012
On the Flip side, posted July 4th, 2012
stupid week, posted June 23rd, 2012
home for the holiday, posted June 19th, 2012
I'm fed the FK up, posted June 16th, 2012
I'm Faded, posted June 9th, 2012
Word to yo momma, posted June 9th, 2012
I'm at a payphone trying to call home, posted June 9th, 2012
1-50 of 55 Blog Posts   

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